You’re made to think; “someone else is probably going through it worse than me right now, so I feel like I can’t complain,”- but let’s be honest- lockdown sucks.
I am someone who has nothing to complain about in the eyes of the world, myself and my family are all healthy so far, the house I was buying fell through last minute so I am currently living with my parents, I am self-employed so money is scarce, i.e. non-existent, and here I am literally waiting to hear what happens next. And that is it. My life in a nutshell, right now and it’s completely out of my control.
So why does lockdown suck for the likes of me?
I am a girl who has been through the highest highs and the lowest lows, especially all through my 20’s, frankly it’s been crazy but amazing and I do believe everything happens for a reason. I have had major relationships and even bigger heartbreaks, I’ve had the dreamiest jobs and I’ve lost them through no fault of my own- its business, I’ve worked my little butt off to build and keep a reputation in the industry I’ve always dreamed of being a part of, and this year was my year. I was so close. I could literally smell the job of my dreams finally landing at my feet, I could see the opportunity unfolding in front of my eyes after I had worked for nothing for years, I had studied, built up experience, worked through summers when my friends all travelled abroad, I’ve gone back to college to study some more, taken on the worst paid jobs just to get a foot through the door- even when all my friends were flying high, I made so many sacrifices, I even took on work experience placements I despised just to meet the right people, and finally, there it was- I was going into the place I had always dreamt of, to experience the job I had worked and worked for – the date was set, it was all about to be worth it.
And then lockdown kicked in and it was all shut down until further notice.
Until Further Notice.
This isn’t all bad, I know how this works, I know that when everything gets back on track, I’ll send a few emails and another date will be set, this I am confident of so what’s the problem?
The problem is the timing. I am 30 in one week- the countdown is on.
I knew all through my 20’s I was so far behind my friends, whilst they were in the most fabulous relationships, buying houses, getting promotions, married, pregnant, babies. There I was slogging away aiming for the dream job and my own place, it’s all I’ve ever wanted – “As long as I hit it before I’m 30 I will be fine!” That’s what I’ve always told myself, that was my date to aim for, my dream job would have 100% given me the stability to move out again, start a new life, start fresh, settle down, get stuck in and fly high.
I always imagined my 30th waking up in a beautiful flat, getting myself ready and having the most fabulous day with family and friends before jetting off to Vegas. Vegas was booked. Everything was in place to work out just before my birthday- 2020 was my year and I felt good about it. I would wake up and feel content that it had all worked out, I was back on track and finally I wouldn’t feel left behind, I wouldn’t feel like a failure anymore. No-one saw lockdown coming, I guess.
Logically looking at it I put too much emphasis on the date the 9th of May 2020. It is a date I’ve aimed for years and years, so I do feel so disappointed. I never usually celebrate my birthday as I’ve never been too bothered but this year, I wanted to celebrate hard, I had made plans for the day, for the weeks after in Vegas and for my life.
I never wanted to be the 30-year-old living at home with their parents. Society would call me a failure and my god I feel it. This lockdown has made that happen and even though its completely out of my control, thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.
My 30th now looks like it will be at home with my parents and a takeaway. I can’t see my friends or my sister even, and we have had to postpone the dream holiday to Vegas. The one birthday I wanted to celebrate is over before its begun and let’s be honest it will never be celebrated, understandably as by the time life kicks back in there will be another hen party or birthday or wedding to celebrate- just not mine.
In the words of Ricky Gervais in Afterlife season two, “it’s not your age, it’s what’s happening in your life.”
So yes, lockdown sucks, I’m not a nurse on the frontline like a lot of my friends are, I’m not in thousands of pounds worth of debt, I have my health, but I also have the dark cloud of disappointment, embarrassment and feeling like a complete failure hanging over my head. That’s not an easy way to feel. The 9th of May 2020 was more than my birthday to me- it was a goal I was so looking forward to reaching and celebrating, it is now a date I am dreading and that sucks.