A letter; To the boy I’ve always loved…

I met you when I was 16, it was practically love at first sight even though nobody believed us. A holiday romance, ‘it will never last’ they said, but it did- almost.

We had our ups and downs, but we loved each other, I remember when we broke up for a little bit when I started university, we still spoke, I still knew you were the one I was going to marry- this was just a hitch. I dated this guy for a bit and he fell madly in love with me, I used to say to him, “but I won’t marry you, I’ve already met my one,” my constant.

After we both had our own adventures fate brought us back together, you were my comfort, my sacrifice and my happiness. You were my best friend.

It was comfortable- I knew you, there was no messing around, and we went through a lot together despite it being long distance.

I guess I took feeling loved by you for granted.

I loved your crooked smile, I loved your kind heart, I loved your hilarious outbursts which still make you a legend in my household, I loved how we laughed together, the way you would whisper “I love you,” in my ear as I fell asleep and how you would let me sleep on you wherever and whenever I wanted. I loved our saying whenever we had to say goodbye “be good, and if you can’t be good, be safe,” I can hear you saying that even now. I loved how you loved my mum, my family and even more so how much you loved yours, I loved the way I could run and jump on you and you would hold me, solid, like a rock. But most of all I loved the way you made me feel safe, always.

I remember the day you left- it haunts me if i’m honest.

It was a hot day we were in Liverpool and my god we laughed, we decided to go for Nando’s, we ordered a lot a lot of food. I remember feeling so full, so happy and content and how I laughed at the look of shock on your face at how much little me, managed to eat. My parents were away at the time but you wanted to go home- you told me it was to build your Mum a wall and I didn’t pout or argue, I just accepted it which wasn’t like me at all, I wanted you all to myself because I loved you, but for some reason I let you leave. I was happy. I’d see you next week, right?

That night I called you and your response was cold “I can’t talk to you- I’m in Ibiza, I live here now.” Phone down.

What?

That was it.

I wasn’t upset or angry, I was confused- if I’m honest I didn’t believe it was over. I still thought you were mine and that we would resolve this.

I had a holiday booked to Ibiza soon after by coincidence and off I went, my goodness Ibiza is small isn’t it.

Even though I was trying to be stubborn you begged me to meet up and when we did it was weird, you sobbed and told me that the reason you left is that when you see me- all you can see is me, nothing else. When you don’t see me, you can see all the other things you want to do. I tried to understand, I wanted you to be happy and do what you needed to do, I thought you would always come back to me.

You told me that you had decided you were coming home in a few days, your Mum had booked you a flight, you loved me and we were going to resolve it as I knew we would, I could breathe again.

You came home three months later with a new girlfriend, you didn’t get on the flight, you wouldn’t talk to me and that’s when it clicked you were no longer mine, my heart broke.

I’ve tried to message you a few times and I dream about you a lot. I’ve had other relationships, all of whom have made me miss you even more. I’ve moved on with my life. I’ve tried to get your attention, I’ve tried to talk to my best friend, I even lived in Ibiza for a while to follow in your footsteps, then I tried get closure, tried to pretend I didn’t care, I guess it shocked me how cutthroat you were.

I know now that I took you for granted, I believed I could find a new best friend as easily as you seemed to, though I still to this day cannot believe you found the same love we shared with someone else- you made ‘us’ so easy. I believed I could build the same foundations, get that respect again, but I haven’t. What we had was special to me, I guess. I believed I would always be able to talk to you and keep you in my life, but you didn’t want to be there. None of it makes sense because if you really truly loved me the way I loved you, you couldn’t have just walked away. I guess I’ll never know.

It turns out you weren’t “my one.”- because you chose not to be..

But I’ll love you always- like I promised you I would.

Rachael x

 


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