Have you ever been in love?
Have you ever had your heart broken?
My answer.. yes.
I never thought I’d get over my first heartbreak, they say it takes half the time you were in a relationship to get over someone, I guess my heart just doesn’t heal that fast. Or that my breakup was so corrupt that I just couldn’t get through it.
There seems to be a running theme with my breakups ever since. One counselor I spoke to describes them as abandonment. Do you know how that feels? When you are in complete love with someone who frankly disappears without any proper explanation, any respectful discussion or any reasoning. Basically its like my boyfriends ghost me. Every. Single. Time.
My first heartbreak was after 5 years of having this person in my life, he moved abroad without telling me. Yes, we were in Nando’s one afternoon, we ordered what felt like the whole menu, we had an absolute ball, the weather was beautiful and my ex had no work to get home to, yet he insisted on going home. I didn’t question it- to this day I never know why I didn’t. I waved him off and told him I’d see him next week. He told me he loved me and off he went. That night he got on a flight to Ibiza and I never saw him again. No breakup, he was just… gone.
I couldn’t cope, so I didn’t cope. I was good at hiding this one though. I couldn’t speak his name for a year, as it was so much easier to pretend it wasn’t happening. 5 years later it was still something that played on my mind every day, the love of my life and my best friend didn’t look back and I had no idea why or how, it killed me a bit more every day- and even to this day I’ve got no idea why.
The problem is though as heartbreaks go on and on, it breaks you more and more every time it doesn’t get easier in fact the complete opposite. How can guys who confess their undying love for you one day be “OK” with never seeing or speaking to you ever again the next? I don’t get it. I always see people and their relationships bounce back and forth. Mine never do. Poof- they’re gone. Like magic. How do they find something so easy knowing I’m finding it so hard? Aren’t they supposed to love me? So they said? How can they turn off their feelings when mine haunt me every time the sun sets and the lights go off? It literally makes no sense to me.
My last breakup was the first one I couldn’t hide my pain for. I couldn’t put on a brave face anymore, I’d been “strong” for too long. I knew it was over before it was over. I was ghosted again. It was all too familiar. The last time I’d seen him he described our wedding to me, told me how many kids we were having and what colour their hair would be, he told my Mum what ring he wanted to get me and again, like magic – POOF.
The saying is “Everyone you meet is either a blessing or a lesson, but just because you miss someone does not mean they belong in your life.”
How many lessons do I need? How many times do I need to be shown that men can be heartless and disappear? All my friends seem to have found their perfect guy yet I find it so hard, why? What is this teaching me again and again? Is it meant to make me stronger? Is it meant to lead me to my perfect man?
I know it’s not about me, or anything I’ve done, because my morals and integrity are so high. I’ve never cheated, I’ve never ever slagged it around, I know how I expect to be treated and therefore I treat my dudes with the upmost love, honesty and respect. I’m not jealous and I always try to be the best and most loving girlfriend, yet it’s never enough. I’m never enough. WHY?
I always say to my Mum I don’t mind travelling by boat, because I can understand how a boat floats, I don’t like aeroplanes because I can’t understand how something so big and heavy can fly. Sorry to be random, but my point is, if I can understand a scenario, if I get an explanation I can accept it and move on. But I do feel like I’m the only one who doesn’t get that conversation. I never get that goodbye. I never get that closure.
So instead, I lay in bed every night with my new comfort in the shape of a hot water bottle Eeyore teddy, and believe that one day I will look back and understand why I had to go through all of this. I believe everything happens for a reason. So one day soon my morals will pay off. Whether I’m in a relationship or still flying solo, one day, it will all make sense.
One day… I will know why.