One Day…

Question #1

Have you ever been in love?

Question #2

Have you ever had your heart broken?

My answer.. yes.

I never thought I’d get over my first heartbreak, they say it takes half the time you were in a relationship to get over someone, I guess my heart just doesn’t heal that fast. Or that my breakup was so corrupt that I just couldn’t get through it.

There seems to be a running theme with my breakups ever since. One counselor I spoke to describes them as abandonment. Do you know how that feels? When you are in complete love with someone who frankly disappears without any proper explanation, any respectful discussion or any reasoning. Basically its like my boyfriends ghost me. Every. Single. Time.

My first heartbreak was after 5 years of having this person in my life, he moved abroad without telling me. Yes, we were in Nando’s one afternoon, we ordered what felt like the whole menu, we had an absolute ball, the weather was beautiful and my ex had no work to get home to, yet he insisted on going home. I didn’t question it- to this day I never know why I didn’t. I waved him off and told him I’d see him next week. He told me he loved me and off he went. That night he got on a flight to Ibiza and I never saw him again.  No breakup, he was just… gone.

I couldn’t cope, so I didn’t cope. I was good at hiding this one though. I couldn’t speak his name for a year, as it was so much easier to pretend it wasn’t happening.  5 years later it was still something that played on my mind every day, the love of my life and my best friend didn’t look back and I had no idea why or how, it killed me a bit more every day- and even to this day I’ve got no idea why.

The problem is though as heartbreaks go on and on, it breaks you more and more every time it doesn’t get easier in fact the complete opposite. How can guys who confess their undying love for you one day be “OK” with never seeing or speaking to you ever again the next? I don’t get it. I always see people and their relationships bounce back and forth. Mine never do. Poof- they’re gone. Like magic. How do they find something so easy knowing I’m finding it so hard? Aren’t they supposed to love me? So they said? How can they turn off their feelings when mine haunt me every time the sun sets and the lights go off? It literally makes no sense to me.

My last breakup was the first one I couldn’t hide my pain for. I couldn’t put on a brave face anymore, I’d been “strong” for too long. I knew it was over before it was over. I was ghosted again. It was all too familiar. The last time I’d seen him he described our wedding to me, told me how many kids we were having and what colour their hair would be, he told my Mum what ring he wanted to get me and again, like magic – POOF.

I broke.

The saying is “Everyone you meet is either a blessing or a lesson, but just because you miss someone does not mean they belong in your life.”

Question #3

How many lessons do I need? How many times do I need to be shown that men can be heartless and disappear?  All my friends seem to have found their perfect guy yet I find it so hard, why? What is this teaching me again and again? Is it meant to make me stronger? Is it meant to lead me to my perfect man?

I know it’s not about me, or anything I’ve done, because my morals and integrity are so high. I’ve never cheated, I’ve never ever slagged it around, I know how I expect to be treated and therefore I treat my dudes with the upmost love, honesty and respect. I’m not jealous and I always try to be the best and most loving girlfriend, yet it’s never enough. I’m never enough. WHY?

I always say to my Mum I don’t mind travelling by boat, because I can understand how a boat floats, I don’t like aeroplanes because I can’t understand how something so big and heavy can fly. Sorry to be random, but my point is, if I can understand a scenario, if I get an explanation I can accept it and move on. But I do feel like I’m the only one who doesn’t get that conversation. I never get that goodbye. I never get that closure.

So instead, I lay in bed every night with my new comfort in the shape of a hot water bottle Eeyore teddy, and believe that one day I will look back and understand why I had to go through all of this. I believe everything happens for a reason. So one day soon my morals will pay off. Whether I’m in a relationship or still flying solo, one day, it will all make sense.

One day… I will know why.


7 thoughts on “One Day…

  1. There is someone out there who deserves you. The difference is that you felt that you deserved them before not the person who will come and be lucky enough to deserve you

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  2. Darling dear, you have no idea how this describes all my past relationships. I even got to a point where I take people who don’t fit my standards becaus I thought maybe someone random could break the pattern but yet again here I am broken.

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  3. This has happened to me before and it is really horrible. You’re not alone! I personally think it’s because the lads you’ve been don’t know how to process the responsibility of saying bye to an absolute beaut like yourself. Keep the faith. Even though I don’t know you personally, you can tell you’re a diamond in the rough. Maybe one day could be one day you’ll meet a handsome musical man who you can duet with while you cook dinner 🤷 who knows what’s around the corner?! Keep smiling. It suits you hun xox

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  4. It happened to me almost a year ago. I met this guy and I wasn’t that interested. I left our first date saying I felt unwell but really I just wanted to go out with my friends. He sent me a massive message saying that he thought I was amazing and that he hopes I will give him another chance. I saw him again and I just didn’t have that spark with him but he was so lovely so I was giving it a go. I went on holiday with my parents and he was amazing. FaceTimed me every day. Saying the most lovely things. I was excited to see him when I got back. Finally a guy that respects me and does everything I thought a boyfriend should do. He asked me to be his girlfriend and even though I was hesitant I said yes. I still wasn’t 100% on him but he was just so lovely and gorgeous I thought fuck It! After 2 weeks I fell for him so hard. Everything I held back just broke down and I fell completely in love with him. He would do anything for me. I met his parents and his friends. We would hang out all the time. Then after a month he ended it. I didn’t understand. Why would he put so much effort in? Why did he try so hard to have me and say everything he said? Out of nowhere he says he as depression and he needs to deal with it alone and doesn’t want to bring me down. He needs to be single and get rid of this dark cloud. We agreed to be friends and when he felt better we would see if we could continue. We spoke every now and again for about a week or two then poof. He dissapered. I then found out after a couple weeks he was in a relationship with someone else. My whole world collapsed. So everything he said to me was a lie. I had all these questions. I didn’t understand why he would try so hard to be with me and say all the right things then move on to someone else and not even have the decency to tell me the real reason he didn’t want to be with me and I will never know. I bumped into him on the train one afternoon and I asked him. He was adamant that everything he told me was true. That he couldn’t be with anyone. I went crazy! But you’re with someone now so how can you think that is true! The one opportunity he got to tell me the truth, to give me some closure, he didn’t. He lied again to my face. After him I didn’t think I could trust someone again. Paranoid that they would all just get bored and leave without reason and to be honest, it did happen again. They got bored and ended it out of nowhere when I thought we were happy. They continued on with their day to day lives happy as Larry and I’m heart broken finding it difficult to get out of bed. If I didn’t meet Rob I don’t know if I would ever believe love exists. Our relationship isn’t perfect, far from. But I know he loves me and I finally trust that he isn’t going to leave. When you find that pure love, which you will, it will make sense. And all the wounds on your heart will begin to heal and that love that you share is like bio oil on scars. It doesn’t get rid of them completely but it makes you forget about them and appreciate the love even more than you would if it they weren’t there. If you hadn’t been broken so many times, how can you appreciate when you aren’t. Ying and yang. You experience higher highs when you’ve experienced the lowest of the low. And it will happen! Just when you give up they will sneak up on you. Probably someone that isn’t your type and you don’t immediately think of them. But when he’s there, you’ll know. And everything will be worth it.

    Sorry essay over 💓 just a girl that can relate.

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  5. Oh this made me so sad because you seem so lovely and your are beautiful and really don’t deserve this. Not going to mention names but as for your lady guy, my god I think that’s a lucky escape! Thank god you’re shot of him! But I totally understand you in that it just dosent make sense, and it’s hard to accept it and get closure when there isn’t an explanation.

    The amount of guys I’ve dated that say all these wonderful things and say oh you’re amazing, let’s get married blah and then have dissappeard out of my life. It really knocked my confidence and I’ve just accepted that it’s obviously me, and have completely given up. Been single for 2 years and don’t nt even bother dating because I can’t deal with another heartache! The only good thing about this situation is that I’m on a good place emotionally, no one to mess me around! But like you I just have my Teddy bear 😂 hang in there sis! I hope you find a guy that isn’t an asssshole! Xxxx

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