So I’ve not added to this blog for a long old time.
I would use the excuse “I’ve been super busy,” like people tend to say mid ghosting someone, but I wont, because although I have been busy, my 2018 so far has probably been my most eye opening yet.
I went through hell and back in January this year with my own personal issues and now I feel like I’ve had a quarter life crisis, so I re-evaluated and focused on my current life style, my priorities and myself. I realized they are ALL screwed up.
I’ve set about fixing it.
So. I spoke to a few people, I saw professional counselors (I’m not ashamed to admit that) and basically everyone came to the conclusion that I’m in conflict about who I am. They are right. And this is something I do find hard to admit.
It all sources back to when I was in school. I went to the wrong school basically, I did not fit in with the girls who went there at all and my god they let me know about it. Yes there was name calling, yes there were nasty comments but the worst bit about it is, every single aspect of confidence I had in myself was knocked out of me. I was the ugly kid, but they didn’t need to tell me every day. Kids are cruel.
I remember one day (the day before my French GCSE to be exact) I decided I wasn’t going to be the ugly kid anymore, I wasn’t going to be the geek, I wasn’t going to allow myself to be the victim. I wanted to be “cool,” so therefore I made the conscious decision that before I spoke to anyone I would ask myself the question “What would the person I want to be say?” I got into makeup, I learned how to do my hair, I got a “cool” coat and bag. It worked. I went to sixth form and I was accepted. It was that easy, but was it?
Life went on and I completely had this persona down to a tee. I could walk in to a room and introduce myself to any Tom, Dick or Harry as ‘little miss confident’ no matter how intimidated I felt, as that’s who I WANTED to be. People would always comment, “I would kill for your confidence,” I’d think if only you knew what this takes.
I got on TV and into Radio presenting. Which is the one part of my life I know I’m sure of, it’s definitely the right path for me, but my social media is where I have the biggest conflict.
If you look at my instagram @rach_rhodes_ you would think I am always looking en point, always having the best time, always wearing the best clothes, living the high life, prosecco in hand, a bit slutty, smoldering, loving attention, always pouting, NEVER smiling. That’s social media Rachael Rhodes in a nutshell- 2 dimensional? YES.
You would never know from my social media the absolute love I have for my nieces and nephew, how close I am with my Mum, that I spend 99% of my time in leggings and hoodies with my hair thrown up and no makeup on, that I teach performing arts as well as present, that I’m an absolute geek for Harry Potter and musicals, that I’m stupidly musical and can play most instruments and sing, that I can dance and I teach myself new tricks all the time. Why isn’t this something I’m proud of to show to the world over a cleverage or booty photo? Don’t get me wrong I do love makeup and hair and getting facials and my nails done, a glass of prosecco, girly nights, but seriously there is so much more to me that I keep so secret and I don’t know why.
I spoke to an ex of mine the other day weirdly enough, I told him I hate that I’m addicted to social media, he said; “I’ve no idea why because its not YOU on there. You, Rachael, are still the most moral, dignified and classy girl I’ve ever met. You have such high standards and expectations of yourself, how you believe you should be treated and treat others and yet your instagram will just attract dick pics, dickheads and filth. Where has funny Rachael gone? You’re more then just the attention and likes you get off men- you always have been.”
This hit me hard to be honest.
He was right, I never show the real me and yet there’s my name and there’s my face. Why am I not confident enough to put a video or a photo up with no makeup? Why cant I show myself crying laughing at all the stupid things I find myself doing day to day? Is it because it’s not what I think is pretty enough? It’s real though.
Its ironic because the profiles I love the most, are the real ones. So why can’t I love my own? – Is it too late to make a new years resolution?